Letters to Louis: Flame-Retardant Homos

Homophobic homos, watch-effing-out. The sheriff of fringe is here, he's eight feet tall, and he's pissed.

Dear L,

I have two delicious questions for you to answer, so you might want to brace yourself and take a seat.

1 - What the fuck is up with homophobic gays?  It sounds oxymoronic (and it's definitely moronic), but they actually exist!! Typical characteristics include not liking or associating with "stereotypical gays," arguing about how "gay" they act/appear/are and making sure they
don't, and, of course, being into "men" and not anyone who, shall we say, dares to let their flame burn bright.  To me, this seems like a hop, skip, and a jump away from, "I'm not gay, I just have sex with men," and definitely warrants the label of homophobic.

2 - Is there anything we can do about it?? Maybe gay rehab or something?

You know you love me,
xoxo, Gossip Gay

PS:  Were you as outraged as I was that Katee didn't win So You Think You Can Dance??

Dear Gossip Gay,

Alright, ladies and ladies. Let's warm up the Flux Capacitor and handspring back in time, to the Cretaceous, bodacious age of 2004. Human beings were still a primitive, vile race, uttering indecipherable non-words like "Xanga" and "Hoobastank." A winsome sorcerer named Louis Virtel attended a generic state school where football is enjoyed and Kylie Minogue's Body Language is not. Still, against the prehistoric odds, Louis found a date named Tony. Fancy! They traversed the campus and enjoyed tangy conversation about Eva's infuriating win on America's Next Top Model. Then the topic turned to ex-boyfriends, and Louis' newfound compadre made a gross judgment about their mutual friend Tom, whom Tony dated. Louis winced at this comment and assured himself that he will never forget, not for the next 3 billion years and 141 ANTM cycles, what Tony said:

"Yeah, I liked dating Tom. He was cute. But just... sorry, he was just too gay for me."

Suddenly Tony became yet another classically stiff homo erectus, and not in the good way. Gossip Gay, you frankly took the words out of my mouth with your letter -- this is homophobic. While I concur that a gay stereotype of artificiality and self-absorption does exist, I don't think that's any reason to declare anyone "too gay." That judgment reflects (what else?) insecurity -- these homos are scared of being maligned as too dumb or ostentatious or Just Jack! or whatever. It pisses me off. I'd prefer if a new gay stereotype regarding coward gays started springing up. Maybe then they'd feel less entitled to roll their eyes at those who happen to be flashier or more apparently feminine.

Another thing: The one thing all out gay people have in common is, obvs, the process of coming out. Anytime I see a gay person outwardly being him/herself, I can't say I'll adore him unconditionally, but I respect his conscious decision to own at least his sexual identity. Sneering at feminine gay guys means (and here comes the high school guidance counselor in me) sneering at ourselves. Believe it, boiz. The entire idea of dismissing a "type" of gay guy the way these guys do feels so juvenile. Condescension is always a defense mechanism. I also love the asinine label of "too gay," particularly because it makes "gay" seem like a bad word. Real effing magnificent, guys.

More than once, I've met men who try to intellectualize about the subject by noting, "There's a difference between just gay guys and fags." Yeah, John Rocker, I think I know what it is: You're an asshole to the latter group.

Now, the "I'm not gay, I just have sex with men" demographic is different. Like, a whole... sociopathic school of delusion different. I number them among frightening folks who prefer Top Chef over Project Runway (freaks) and those who only watch porn with diapers or sweat-sock chewing in it (most businessmen). I see no reason anyone should disagree with this, or me, at any time, ever.

While "gay rehab" does sound ideal, particularly for Clay Aiken, I prefer just refuting homo-on-homo disparaging head-on. That guy in the magenta is "too gay" for you, sir? Well, it's then time to announce that I'm too gay for you also. I confess, sir, I'm real gay. I may not sport the seven-foot headdress from Cher's "Half Breed" days, but I'm the kind of gay who makes a blog like this one. (I know, there's only two entries, but I swear I'll resuscitate the brassy gorgon within the week.)

In other words: We can tell these lame gays to either dish respect or just forsake the queer vocation entirely and start breeding with a hetero who cares. I often arrive at hyper-militant solutions to these questions, I know, but uhhh, I was raised Catholic and know nothing but angst. Go forth, my whore congregation!

P.S. AGREED about Katee's elimination. More importantly, though, I get the feeling Thayne knows how long it takes -- in minutes and seconds -- to gnaw off a straitjacket. The spastic grin? The darting pupils? Hmmmmmm. I'll keep the sharp objects over here-zees.

E-mail LOUIS VIRTEL at louis.virtel@gmail.com ... and live a little.

[Image: Getty]

Comments

[Mike Scott]

Dallas queers are very "class" driven. My partner and I live in the burbs but consider ourselves "gay white trash", though we are not really, because we could never compete with the vast majority of "upper class" queers here. I read an article many years ago that said Dallas has this huge group of "A-Class" queers that are filthy rich, attend all of the black-tie dinners, are very politically influential and will only associate with their own kind. I just hate people that are like that. Straight people like that are bad enough. It makes me sick to drive down thru all the rich little gayborhoods in Dallas and see all the little rich queens in their "two-incomes, no kids" cars with their noses sky high. I just want to yank that nose back down to earth! To them I say "___ 'em!" I'm just as happy in my simple life, with my simple husband, and my simple Chevy, but I just bought a new one!

[james]

so what is really that wrong with liking REAL men. at least real in that they dont flaunt around with "girlish" behavior. i will defend those guys to the end, get girlie all you want, but why if i am not attracted to that am i the bad guy. i dont like lots of food but that doesnt make me bad i just dont like those flavors. i do agree some guys go overboard with this dislike of fem gay guys but dont hate us just cause we dont find that behavior attractive. and i found it ironic in the previous post the man mentions stuck up gays. i think that is a problem in any big USA city. seems like we gays get a little money and really like to thumb our noses at the less fortunate. i really wish gays in general would put as much energy in gaining equal rights as they do partying and showing off in there new cars.

[Mark]

Oh give me a break! So the fact that I'm not attracted to screaming queens means that somehow I'm not a "real gay"? That I'm "homophobic"? GET OVER YOURSELF!

I have lots of gay friends who run the gamut from "You Wouldn't Know They Were Gay Unless They Told You" to "You Can See Their Gayness From Space". I love 'em all - they are great friends.

But what I'm attracted to are men who are more in the mold of the stereotypical straight guy - they love sports, they aren't afraid of growing body/facial hair, and they cringe at the thought of putting on a dress. Hairless twink boys with a Z-snap and a high voice squeaking "girlfriend!" may be fun to hang around with (and I know a few that are) but they are NOT anyone I'd start a relationship with.

Just because I prefer men (for a relationship anyway) that are on the straighter end of the gayness scale doesn't make me "homophobic", "insecure", or in need of "gay rehab". It's time for you to make room in your world view for the full range of variation in the gay community, and get over your own hang-ups about what it means to be gay.

[Louis]

I'm really confused. I never said I condemned people who are mainly attracted to "manlier" men. I said I hate when people are dismissed as "too gay." We're all pretty equally gay, seems to me.

Calling someone "too gay" is repulsive to me. Again, it turns "gay" into a bad word. I AM aware of the "variation in the gay community," and that's why I don't think anyone should be pejoratively deemed, "too gay."

My point: If you're going to say a "Z-snap" gay guy is not your type, at least be accurate about why that is. Labeling a guy "too gay," as far as I'm concerned, is an unacceptable, juvenile way to go about it.

[Mark]

Come on, Louis, you did indeed condemn those of us who are attracted to a "manlier" aesthetic. Or at least, Gossip Gay did, and you agreed. Don't try to reverse yourself now; re-read what Gossip Gay wrote, and what you wrote in response, and take note of how much it maligns those who dare to be attracted to men who don't fit the gay stereotype.

I will agree with you on one thing - the phrase "too gay" doesn't sit well with me, either. It sounds too much like "too black", or "too blonde", or other purely descriptive terms that have been made into negative jabs at someone.

But what you wrote (and what Gossip Gay wrote) above seems to imply that the right way to be "gay" is to go for the limp-wristed, lisping drag-queen end of the spectrum. If that wasn't your intent, then you should change what you wrote.

Let me give you a little of my personal history. I didn't "come out" until I was 38 (I'm 42 now). Why? Because I didn't fit the picture that the gay community presents of "what it means to be gay". I'm not effeminate. I don't dress in drag. I don't have the voice. I don't have the mannerisms. So I couldn't see how I would fit into a community that seems to define itself that way.

Now that I'm finally out, my flame burns as brightly as anyone's. But I bristle every time I see someone seeming to say that "gay" means I must fit into and be attracted to the stereotype. And when the source is someone in the gay community, it irritates me even more.

[Louis]

Mark, I honestly appreciate your response, but I still don't think I condemned people who are attracted to "manlier" gays. I condemned people who are condescending, or dismissive, towards "effeminate" (these descriptors are actually really vague) gay guys. I'm talking about those who, as Gossip Gay noted, make a point of "not associating with" twinky gays. I'm not saying anyone needs to be attracted to a certain type of guy. I'm saying we shouldn't sneer at any one particular "type" -- and that means any type, brawny-muscle-masculine gays included. However, I think more people (gay or straight) tend to dislike or malign the "flame burning bright" variety of homo because they believe these people are "flaunting" or "advertising." And I think that's really dumb. My point is, these gays are really no different than any gay person, so calling them "too gay" is bizarre and stupid, a point on which we concur.

Rereading what I wrote, might there have been a misconception about when I said, "I'm real gay"? That actually could've been misleading. I meant that in the sence of "Well, I'm REALLY gay," which, I feel, would successfully derail anybody who's going around asserting the difference between "gay guys" and "fags."

Also: I DEFINITELY don't think Gossip Gay meant to harangue gay dudes who are more attracted to manlier guys. Though he began with, "Typical characteristics include not liking or associating with "stereotypical gays," he substantiates his point by saying, "arguing about how "gay" they act/appear/are and making sure they
don't, and, of course, being into "men" and not anyone who, shall we say, dares to let their flame burn bright." Yes, I think it's homophobic to belittle someone for how "gay" they appear or act. I hope we can agree on that. Regarding Gossip Gay's last point, I think he meant to emphasize the grossness in declaring the more masculine gay guys "men." As if only a select brand of homo can be considered suitable members of the gender. If he didn't mean to say that, then I guess we begin to disagree. But I think he's again reiterating the way some people tend to label our more effeminate gays as "not men." That sounds totally condescending and awful to me. Everyone deserves respect.

Please, feel free to disagree with me about what I said, but... man, can anybody tell me where I said, "It's lame not to be attracted to really twinky Z-Snap guys"? Because I sure didn't mean that. Allow me to proclaim my peace, bare chest to the wind: I love super-masculine gay dudes! Take me, Billy Bean! Chase me down, John Amaechi! HURT me, Eminem! Alright, we've honestly
drifted into some scary-ass wishful thinking here.

[Louis]

Also, I wrote "sence" instead of "sense" in my last comment. Apologies to Strunk, White, and all of you.

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